the mom i am.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what "kind" of mom I am. This all started because I was thinking about the neighbor down the street who I would call the "experiential mom"...she know absolutely everything going on around town, all the best parks, and does crafts like she owns pinterest. I told her Noah loves trucks and she said, "you should take him to the walking bridge over 101 and watch all the trucks go by". DUH?! Why didn't I think of that. 

Better yet, I do think of these things occasionally. I think about taking Noah to just sit and watch a construction site while the "shucks" move dirt around. But I don't. I am not 100% sure why, but I am pretty sure it is because that sounds like an amazing idea for all of 5 minutes. And then, let's be honest, I'll start checking Facebook and Instagram while my boy stares at a back ho. 

It's selfish. Sometimes I am a selfish mom. Take today, I am tired from a weekend of self inflicted, wine induced, pain. Sometimes I make promises to be better tomorrow, and sometimes I'm not. 

But sometimes I rock the shit (sorry, mom) out of this parenting thing. Some days we get ourselves put together before 9:30am and hit the road for days of parks, friends, classes, lunches. Some days I literally catapult myself out of a chair at a restaurant because a helicopter is taking off at the hospital across the street and I'll be damned if my boy misses that event. Some days I will leave all the action so that I can read stories and snuggle my little to bed. Some days, I make Scott do it :-). 

Silly guy entertaining us all at Kristina's birthday. More pictures to come soon.

I have blogged about balance before. I am not sure that there is a right answer in this parenting game. There are about a million articles out right now about "mommy guilt" and "doing it all". I have decided that the kind of mom I am is the one who does what works on that particular day. Depending on the day, that might mean watching Noah play in his Little Tikes car from the couch, and some days it might mean having a Little Tikes high speed derby across the house. 

I probably clean too much, and run too many errands when there are bulldozers to watch. But, if I dropped all of that, I would feel off balance and stressed out. So while I read blogs of people making incredible memories and taking their kids on incredible adventures, you might find me scrubbing avocado off the floor because walking by that little green pile even one more time could make me scream (note: I should get a dog...floor cleaning solved). And, let's be honest, these ladies are also ridiculous writers and photographers who can make a trip to the pet store seem like an amusement park.

I might not be present every single moment in Noah's life. I have guilt about this sometimes. About checking my Facebook when I should be giggling with him while he explores the rock pile for the millionth time. But, I'll tell you this, when we hit our stride, we are unstoppable. 

I must have thought about what I was going to put in his Easter basket for two weeks. I wanted it to be perfect.

It is a bit like exercise, this whole parenting thing. On the days where I commit and make a really great day, I get the "mommy high" and have a renewed energy for a repeat. But, when I get in a rut and focus too long on the to-do list and not enough on the smiling little boy at my knees, I feel, well, blah. 

Today I feel blah. I don't feel like a "bad mom". I feel like I need to do better tomorrow, yet I know that Noah is not keeping  score. It is my own personal scoreboard that is haunting me. And, you know what, I actually don't think it is such a bad thing. I like that little reminder that there are days we blow the "blahs" right out of the ballpark and days where they get the best of us. 

The really unfortunate scene at our house at noon today. In all reality, he was really happy in that truck driving around.

I am not really sure of the final message here. Just that I am working on embracing the "mom I am" and trying to infuse a few more "run like there is someone chasing me to see the man change the street lights because he has a really cool bucket truck" moments into it. They make me happy, they make Noah happy. 

Who knows, maybe we'll even find that construction site some day. Maybe.